Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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