Yo dont text me then not text me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
