It was confusing and full of hummus
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better