this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
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This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.