Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?