I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
