Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
