I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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