Can i not drive my cunt home
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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