Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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