dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
