you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
