I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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