Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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