My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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