its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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