PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
