Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
