I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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