I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I want to be your penis for a week.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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