you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
