I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
