She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...