I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.