Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
