you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
