I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
