someone threw a dead crab at me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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