if only i could text you this smell
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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