Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
