You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
