mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
