omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
