I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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