i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
