I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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