Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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