What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
