Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
