I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize