Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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