everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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