Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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