Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
