I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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