I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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