Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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