If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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