the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My vagina just clenched in fear
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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