love makes seman taste better
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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