if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
