Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
