I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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