My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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