you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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