just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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