my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
