In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
