just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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