how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
